Tired

I'm tired of being tired.

I'm tired of hearing myself talk about being tired.

I'm just......tired.

Seriously..the last couple of weeks my arms have felt like lead. I actually get tired when I'm putting Izzy's hair up in the morning, and I think this is most bizarre since I've been going to yoga for 5 weeks now and have been feeling stronger with every passing week.  But it doesn't seem to last long.  I get a great buzz from my workout on Wednesday night, but by Thursday morning I'm draggin' ass again.

I hate being this size physically.  I won't say "fat" because I know I'm not...I'm just not happy with my current size and I want desperately for it to go away.  I hate watching what I eat because I'm terrible at it.  Well, let me re-phrase that..I'm great at watching it, I'm just terrible at stopping it.  I have a great day and then I cave at night and ruin it all.  It's like self-sabotage or something.  I hate feeling this way, which makes me depressed, which makes me wanna eat, which makes me hate feeling this way...etcetera, etcetera.

I'm pretty sure I'm depressed...I mean, who wouldn't be, right?  I've got this chronic disease that has some pretty devastating long-term consequences, but that, of course, cannot be determined for sure.  So it's like I live in this strange limbo...always waiting for the next blood or urine test to tell me something.  I've got one this weekend, as a matter of fact, and it's a biggie.  Essentially, at this point, if my protein level hasn't decreased after this 24-hr urine test, then I'm pretty much SOL..just waiting for my kidneys to poop out on me.  Unfortunately, I kinda think this is the outcome already, but I'm still hopeful.  What would be worse for me (and the possibility of having another baby) is if my protein level actually goes UP.  Then I have no idea what'll happen. 

I'm scared....scared of the results and the implications of those results.  I don't even remember what it's like to be me...to be normal.  I read about all of these people not letting their disease identify them, and I get that, but it doesn't feel like I've had that same experience.  If I had gone into remission quickly like the last time, then I might be singing a different tune, but that's not the case right now.  This IS defining a large part of my future and my family's future.  And it absolutely sucks that I don't get a say in all of this...that there is absolutely nothing that I can do (but if I read one more silly article about how baking soda can cure kidney disease then I think I shall FREAK OUT ON SOMEONE).

And all of this anxiety/depression is making me want to shop.  To buy myself pretty things to make me feel better.  It works for a short while :), but I can't do it all the time (especially since I just went SERIOUSLY shopping and came home with a purrrrrrty new Wrangler :).

So, anyone have any pearls of wisdom?  Any inspirational little nuggets that they'd like to share with me to drag me out of this funk?  Cause I could use em.