Identity Crisis

This is a picture that Joacim took of me the other evening at Oktoberfest.  I hate it.  I don't hate the quality of the photo, because that's fine.  I hate the face that I'm looking at...that round, pudgy face.

It doesn't matter how much I work out or what I eat..this roundness will only go away with time.  I know that.  I've been here before.  I just forgot how LONG it took!  I was pretty distracted the last time because it was around this time 3 years ago that I got pregnant, which was about 3-4 months after I stopped prednisone.  So, essentially, I'm at exactly the same place, just shifted 3 years.

I guess, back then, I didn't care as much.  I was over the moon about a baby, and it was such a GREAT distraction from all the other crap I had gone through.  But I don't have that this time, and I'm having a really tough time feeling like it's going to be ok.  I look in the mirror, and I've convinced myself that I'm starting to get back to "me", and then I see a picture of myself, and my image is shot to hell.

Yes, it's better than it was. Yes, another pair of sunglasses finally fit again.  Yippee.  It's just not enough right now.  I want me back....all of me....the way I was.  I don't want a "new normal".  That just isn't gonna work.  Too bad they don't have Chinese face binding (if they did, I'd be FIRST IN LINE!!!).

Isn't it bad enough that I have to deal with all this other crap?  Constant headaches...hands shaking like crazy...so bad sometimes that I can't even sign my name?  Please, just give me my body back.  I sound shallow, I know...but you just don't realize how much of your identity, and self-respect, are tied to your looks...that is, until they drastically, and suddenly change.  I wonder how people that are horrifically scarred by accidents (or worse yet, on purpose) do it.  What is it that they have in them that I don't?

No comments: